As I Was Saying . . . by Jeremy Clarkson

Author:Jeremy Clarkson [Clarkson, Jeremy]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw3
Tags: Non-Fiction, Humor, Anecdotes, Political, British, Comedy, Biography, European
ISBN: 9781405924160
Publisher: Penguin UK
Published: 2015-10-05T16:00:00+00:00

Coming soon: Top Hi-Vis Gear. No stunts, no tomfoolery, no fun

Last weekend I appeared on television riding a jet ski across Lake Como in northern Italy in a pair of jeans and a rather fetching white linen shirt. I was not wearing a helmet or a life jacket or any sort of high-visibility vest.

As you can imagine, this did not go down well with the BBC’s health and safety enthusiasts.

And neither were they very pleased when I simply set off before the safety boat with its squad of trained – and very expensive – divers was on hand to help out if I fell off.

I had tried to explain, using swearwords and much finger-pointing, that it was a lovely calm summer’s day and that I wasn’t going to fall off. And that even if I did I could swim. But this argument was based on a principle that they simply could not grasp: common sense.

I’m used to this, of course. Before I do anything, a man with a stern face and a lime-green jacket with tubes coming out of it is forced to give me a lecture for several hours on all the things that may go wrong, and I never listen to a word he says. I’m not interested. I genuinely, actively and passionately hate health and safety.

What surprised me after the Lake Como escapade, though, was that my Twitter feed was jammed up by ordinary members of the public who said I should have been wearing safety equipment and was setting a bad example. This made me so angry, my teeth started to itch.

It’s not my job to tell people to wear stupid clothes any more than it’s my job to tell people to brush their teeth or always wear cufflinks that are smaller than your little fingernail. It is my job, on the other hand, to make jet-skiing across an Italian lake look fun. And I would have failed if I’d been dressed up like a traffic warden.

I am completely fed up with people appearing on television in brightly coloured technical clothing when there is simply no need. Only recently some idiot was filmed at the top of Nelson’s Column wearing a hard hat, and I just sat there thinking, ‘What do you imagine is going to land on your head up there, you moron?’

Then you have the Somerset correspondents wearing life jackets, while standing up to their ankles in a puddle.

Politicians are the worst. Whenever they appear in a factory of some kind they are always wearing a suit and a tie, which is bad enough, plus wellies, a plastic hat and a high-visibility vest. I want to put my hands round their neck and scream, ‘It’s a bakery, you idiot. It’s not dangerous in any way.’

I simply would not vote for any politician who appeared on television dressed up as though he were about to juggle chainsaws in the outside lane of the M4, while standing in a factory that made chair legs. Because I’d

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